Tuesday Night at Our House

Mother had given me the same parking instructions as she had last week, so I complied.  ( If she told me anything in her instructions, it was that she was very controlling which could explain her single-hood. ) Everything was the same as the week before, basically, even the instructions on NOT to smoke in her car, but it didn't piss me off this time, I just noticed that she was very repetitive in her words and actions.  When we arrived at  Acapulco's, we even sat in the same window seat...and of course, Bart, was our server.  I made an effort to disguise my hurt ankle, but it still hurt every time I took a step.

"How are you two gentlemen, this evening?" he asked as he greeted our table.

"Oh honey, we're just fine,"Mother said with that effervescent smile. "What have you been up to this week?"

I gave him a YOU-BETTER-KEEP-YOUR-MOUTH-SHUT look, and he winked at me before he answered.  I was trying to think how I was going to get them both involved in a conversation about what happened at Mother's apartment last week, but I'd need to be patient.  I couldn't just let it pop out unnaturally in conversation.  I'd have to slide it in easily somehow.

"Oh same ol', same ol', just work and school.  You know how it is.  Will you be having your usual, gentlemen?" he played along perfectly.

"Yes, A Margarita on the Rox for him and a Virgin Pina Colada with a splash of Dr. Pepper for me." Mother said flippantly, "And don't forget my pink parasol."

"Do you want a Margarita on the Rox?" Bart asked me with a bit of concern in his voice.  Apparently, he hadn't realized that I hadn't been taking pain pills for 2 days.

"That's what I said, Mary, " Mother answered for me -- almost rudely, and I nodded my head. Bart walked off to retrieve our drinks.

"Mother, don't be so short with him.  He's a nice boy," I chastised her softly.  It really bothered me when anyone spoke down to a server -- especially this one.

"Oh, honey, he's nice all right....He's real nice," she smiled as she looked over at him at the bar where he waited for the bartender to prepare our drinks.  She gave him one of those four-finger waves and smiled in his direction.

"Oh?" I asked with an edge to my voice.  "Just how NICE is he?

"Very............." she said with a big grin on her face.

Hmph...so...this is how it was going to come out?  I wasn't going to have to ease into anything.  I had my perfect opening, and I was going for it.  I didn't know if I wanted to know the full truth, but it was necessary for anything else to proceed between Bart and me.  I was on the verge of infatuation with him, and I didn't want to hear anything bad about him to burst my bubble.

"So, what happened between the two of you last week after I left?" I gently asked.

"Wouldn't you like to know, honey?" Mother teased and giggled a little.  She even twisted her hair with her forefinger.

"Oh, gurl, you know I love to hear the dirt," I said and realized that Mother's slang had infected my vocabulary....and it would stay there, too...to this day.  Mother gave me "gurl".

Bart returned with our drinks and laid down beverage napkins in front of each of us before he removed the drinks from his tray.

"Oh...You are the same waiter we had last week,"I said. "You are the one who arrived at Mother's house just as I was leaving, aren't you?"

He placed my margarita on the rox in front of me, and looked at me with a surprised look on his face.

"Yeah, I thought I recognized you, so I told the bartender to make your drink a little weaker than last week's," he smiled.

"Oh, you didn't have to do that," I glared at him. "So, what did ya'll do after I left?" I asked Bart.

"Oh, we just talked for a little while, then I went home," Bart glared right back at me.  He'd figured out what I was doing.

"That's right, honey, " Mother laughed.  "You just stick to THAT story, and you'll keep us both out of trouble."

And she laughed some more.  You know, damn well, that I certainly did NOT like Mother's response, and I felt my face getting hot.  The pink parasol in Mother's drink fell out of the glass as Bart placed it on Mother's bev nap.

"That's all that happened, and you know it," Bart said to Mother, and his face was getting red.  I knew then, that he was telling the truth, and for some reason, Mother was trying to make me think otherwise.  I didn't understand WHY she was doing it, but she was intentionally trying to make me think that she and Bart had done a lot more than talk, but I didn't  understand her reasoning.  She never actually said that they'd been intimate, but she was leading me in that direction.

"Oh, I know you're straight," Mother said. "Do you want to order now, gurl?"

Mother had quickly changed the subject when she'd seen that she'd risen Bart's ire, so I was assured that Bart had done nothing wrong.  We both ordered hamburgers because Mother said they had the best burgers in town.  ( Hamburgers at a Mexican restaurant? Okay........... I'd try it.)  Bart walked off, and I could tell by his walk that he was pissed off.

"Those straight boys always want us to keep their secrets," Mother said as soon as Bart walked away.

"Yeah....." I said flatly and moved on to the next thing  that crossed my mind to desperately keep this conversation civil because I was feeling VERY protective of Bart and that was the tell-tale sign that I was having more than friend feelings for him.

"So, do you have a boyfriend, Mother?" I asked.

"Oh no, honey.  I'm always a bride's maid and never a bride," she said flippantly, again.

"You've never had a boyfriend?" I asked.

"Oh honey, I keep my bed hot, if that is what you are asking," she said.

Truthfully, I had a hard time believing that.  In Oklahoma, drag queens didn't really rank up there with being the most popular boys to bed in the gay community, but I was in Arkansas, and this culture was proving to be vastly different.  Drag seemed to be very accepted down here, so maybe she was telling the truth.

"Nah, I'm not really asking about your tricks.  I was wondering if you had a boyfriend.  You know, someone you love," I  explained.

"Oh honey, I've had too many husbands.  I can't be bothered with all that shit, anymore," she said...and there was a sadness in her eyes...a lonely darkness.

"How long has it been since you had a husband?" I asked as Bart placed chips in front of us rather roughly.  He spilled Mother's salsa a bit because he set it down so hard, but he placed mine down gently.  He didn't wipe up his spill either.  Mother pretended not to notice, but I know she did.

"I've dated Saul for 12 years and that Jew has the biggest Pilatra you ever saw, " she said flippantly again.  I could tell she was distancing herself from the hurt by using humor...(( Pilatra, by the way, was Mother's version of Piatra.))

"What happened?"

"His wife left the synagogue and started going to church, and then he got saved, he said.  But, if you want to know the truth, everyone in town found out that how he liked his bread buttered so they all started going to another hardware store, and he nearly went broke.  He figured it was his Jewishness that was scaring off customers at first, and it took him awhile to figure out it was because he was sucking dick behind the lawn mowers. He figured Jesus could fix both of those things.  Hell, he even took out a full page ad in the newspaper telling everyone how he'd been born again.  His business went back up, but he still comes to my back door.............just not as often." Mother explained.

"Did his wife know he was gay?" I asked.

"Lord yes, she came and pulled him out of my bed when his daughter was in a car wreck one time.  She knew I was the other woman because she'd hired a private investigator.  That bitch knew about us for a long time before she ever said anything,"

"How do you know?" I was scandalized and my voice showed it.

"Because she showed me the pictures of me and him together and told me that I'd better put an end to it if I didn't want to testify in court as the other woman in their divorce," Mother said as easily as she'd tell you what day it is.

"What did you do?" I was even more shocked.

"I told her to go ahead.  I'd testify he was the best fuck that I'd ever had, and the whole damn town would know that she couldn't do for her husband what I could." Mother said flatly.

"What did she do?" I asked knowing full well that my eyes were as wide as those salsa bowls.

"She shut up and found her a boyfriend...and he was hot, too.  Saul and I had a couple three-ways with him," Mother said.

"Lord have mercy!!!!!!!" I just couldn't contain my shock, and I delivered my exclamation in a very loud tone that disturbed at least four tables around us because they all turned and looked at me.  Mother just took it in stride and laughed and laughed.  Keep in mind that I am actually a very small town boy, and I do have rather conservative values even if I am gay.  All of this was surprising.  I'd never met anyone who was so flamboyant ...................and sexual....in my life, and I'd met a lot of gay people by then.  AND, it wasn't only that...it was the way Mother told me.......like it was no big deal....like this kind of stuff happened all the time............Hell, it was something right off of Jerry Springer,and he hadn't even been invented yet!

"Gurl, I'll let you catch your breath.  I need to run to the little girl's room," Mother said as she excused herself.

I was still lost in her story.  Now, you know I had had reservations about being friends with her because of her temper and unpredictability..........and now this?  She was positively scandalous!!!  BUT, it was interesting...intriguing even...Yeah, I'd be her friend.......She was the Golden Girls' Blanche friend that I'd never had.......Who else lived like this?  I'd only heard about this type of stuff in books.  They wouldn't even put this story-line on a soap opera.  It was X rated..and it was real life...or Mother's life, anyway.  Hmmmm...someone should produce X rated soap operas, I thought to myself.  They'd make millions.  Of course, no one would ever admit to watching them.  It would be a guilty pleasure, but you know that everyone would want to see it......

And, I also realized that Mother didn't know what love was.  It sounded to me that this Saul guy was just using her for sex and that Mother had developed feelings for him.  She wasn't his "other woman"; she was a way for him to get sex...and not only with JUST Mother, apparently.............. because Saul involved other guys in it, too...even his own wife's boyfriend!!!  In that moment, I felt sorry for Mother because I got the impression that she'd never experienced love.  She'd just found a cheap substitute and named it love because that was all she knew......................and I hoped that never happened to me.  I wanted the picket fence, and I'd get it.............. 

I happened to glance over toward the bathrooms and noticed that Mother and Bart seemed to be exiting the area at the same time............((Now, if you are gay, you know what crossed my mind...........but honestly, they hadn't had enough time for that.))  Bart took a turn into the kitchen as Mother sat down.

"He told me our food was on its way," Mother offered as an excuse which made me more suspicious.

"Are you sure you didn't have a rendezvous in the bathroom?" I giggled a bit, but I also wanted to know the truth.  After hearing all this about Saul, I knew Mother would tell me if there had been some sucky-wucky in the washroom.

"Oh lord, no, Girl.  I don't do that wham-bam-thank you, Sam, shit." Mother said.  "If I am going to do that, I'm going to go to the bookstore and spend all day...."

"Huh?" I asked.

"You know, gurl, the bookstore trade." She said like I was supposed to clue-in immediately.

"No, I don't know," I answered honestly.

"You mean to tell me that you've never gotten a blow job in a bookstore?" she asked incredulously.

"I didn't know they gave them there.  I just usually bought my books and left.  I really don't think that kind of stuff goes on in Oklahoma," I answered.

"Mary, don't they have bookstores in Oklahoma?" she said in that you're-stupid tone that she was so good at.

"Well, yes, I had to buy my textbooks at bookstores in Stillwater," I answered kind of preturbed because I hated that tone.

"No! No! No! Not that kind of bookstore," she said as she waved her arms around. "Adult bookstores."

"What is that?" I asked, and I was totally sincere.

"You know, the place where you buy dirty magazines and movies.  They usually have little cubicles where you can pay and watch movies and get blown or whatever in them." she explained.

"I never knew places like that existed, " I said. "They must be illegal in Oklahoma cuz I've never even heard of places like that, and that sounds pretty seedy.  I wouldn't step foot in a place like that."

"What kind of a queer are you?" she asked rather condescending.

"A normal one......." and after a pause I said  "And, I think you are a sexual deviant."

Well, she got a big kick out of that, and so did Bart because he sat my dinner down in front of me on the word "deviant" and both of them were enjoying a good hee-haw, but I was serious.

"I need another margarita, please.  And make it like last week.  I need it." I said seriously to Bart as he gently placed Mother's plate in front of her.

"A sexual deviant? What is that?" Mother asked laughing.

"It is a person with unusual sexual behavior.  I learned about it in a sex class I took at OSU," I informed her.

"You took a sex class at college?" she asked. "What's wrong? You didn't know how to have sex?"

"No," I laughed."It's not like that.  We learned about all types of sexual behavior.  Heck, we even had some nudists come to class and talk to us about that."

"Were they naked?" she asked -- a little too over-eager, I thought.

"Yeah, but you wouldn't want to see them naked. I guess they weren't completely naked; they were wearing jewelry ......." I said.

"On their cocks?" she asked even more interested.

"Lord no, " I laughed. "You always have to go below the belt.  Just regular jewelry..you know, necklaces, earrings....that kind of stuff..but you ARE a sexual deviant...... You have sex with married men; you have multiple partners at the same time ,and you have sex in public places....AND you are a drag queen."

"Is that bad?" she asked, and she was serious, too.

"I try not to judge," I said and left it at that....but I didn't think it was too good, and Mother was right.  The hamburgers were the best I'd tasted in Arkansas.

"Well, gurl, it's normal down here.  Most of us do it," she said.

"Then, I won't be staying here long," I said.

Our conversation continued in the same manner until we left.  Mother, again, found Bart and gave him a twenty, but she didn't write her number on it this time.  Bart thanked us profusely, and shook my hand again, but he deposited a note in my palm and winked at me this time.  I quickly put my hand in my back pocket and deposited the note there.  I got the impression that it contained information that he didn't want Mother to know.   As I limped behind Mother on the way to the car, she asked me if I wanted to go to the bar.  I agreed, and told her that I needed to hit the bathrooms here before we went to Our House.  My bathroom debacle at Our House would remain with me always, and I avoided those bathrooms at all costs.

As soon as I got to the bathroom, I pulled the note out of my back pocket and read it.  It said:

"Mother has a crush on YOU...Love you, Bart."

My heart did a little somersault, and I was so happy that he'd said it first -- even if he'd only written it down.  I was feeling the same way, too...but I told myself that I'd only known him a week, and that it had to be only infatuation and not love............BUT it was a damn good feeling, and I didn't want to lose it....and the part about Mother having a crush on me....ehh...I just couldn't see it.  I hoped it wasn't true.  I finished my bathroom duty, and left the bathroom to find Bart.  Mother was parked down the street waiting for me, so she couldn't see me inside the restaurant.  Bart was waiting for me at the front door.

"What makes you think she has a crush on me?" I asked.

"Because he told me that he was trying to make you jealous by making you think that something had gone on between him and me," he laughed.

"When did he tell you that?" I asked.

"When he went to the bathroom," Bart said, and I immediately remembered seeing them walking together and wondering what they were doing.

"Oh damn," I said. "He's just my friend Bart.  I don't feel that way toward him at all.  I really like him, but not like that.

"I know, honey," he said.

"And as for the rest of the note," I said clumsily and slowly as I looked into his eyes.

"Yes," he said kind of anxiously.

"I read it, too," I said because I was afraid to say what I was really feeling because it was just too soon, and I hoped my eyes told him what my mouth couldn't ....just yet....but I reached for him, and he reached for me...and we hugged right there in Acapulco's.  No one noticed anything unusual because these Southerners hug everybody -- they even hug people they don't like.

"I'll see you when I get home, but I won't be out too late...and I'll brush my teeth," I said.

He smiled broadly and said," So will I."

And then I walked out to meet Mother Superior, this drag queen, sexual deviant,  who supposedly had a crush on me, for another Tuesday Night at Our House.