Mother was right. I'd left before the real show started. Damn, I wish I could have seen that cat fight. The image in my mind's eye was hilarious. I'm sure the actual event would have been spectacular.
"So, Fiona is bald as a boy?" I started to giggle -- not because Fiona was bald, but because of the way Mother was telling her story. Some bald men can be very attractive.
"As a cue ball!!!" Mother slapped her leg and guffawed. "And now everyone knows. If she ever comes to the bar as a boy, she always has a ball cap on................Now, we know why. And she's ugly as shit," Mother doubled over in laughter. I chuckled, too. It was a much needed laugh, and the margaritas were kicking in too. The chuckle grew into a laugh and before I knew it, we were having one of those rare moments of unbridled laughter that subsided to a giggle and then rose again to a full belly laugh. We really tried to squelch it because people were beginning to notice, and then Mother snorted out of her nose, and it erupted all over again. Our food arrived as we were both literally lying on our distintive booth seats trying to compose ourselves only to suffer another wave of laughter. Every time I thought it was going to end, in my mind's eye, I'd see that haughty bitch twirling on Mother's back bald headed, sequins sparkling, rhinestones blazing, and I'd crack up again. I do have to admit that imagining Mother twirling in high drag with another queen on her back was enough to get a tremor out of me, too. But, I didn't tell Mother that. I just let her think it was all about Fiona, but I was seeing the full picture. Suddenly, an idea struck me.
"Don't they video tape your performances? I managed to eke out.
"Oh God, I hope not," Mother's laugh waned, and she suddenly looked serious...like an ominous light bulb had suddenly lit up in her head, and I could actually see her consciously wipe the look of concern off of her face as she continued, but a pensive look still appeared in her eyes, "Yeah, sometimes Darrell brings his video camera and tapes the shows, but he didn't film on Thanksgiving night."
"What did the audience do while all this was going on?" I had to ask appearing not to notice her sudden change in mood.
"You caused a bar brawl?" I asked as I felt another tremor begin to shake me.
"Shit, yes," she said kind of perturbed. "Twyman called me and told me that I'd have to pay for 6 of those damn fairy lights and 14 broken glasses. Gurl, she had it figured to the penny: 42.59." And she said the nine like a true southern girl.
"Lord, have mercy," I just had to do a major guffaw at that one. "He is cheap."
"Gurl, you've got to get hold of yourself and eat. I think you've had too many of those margaritas."
"Margaritas, my ass. Anyone would be doubled over at this crazy story. No one would believe this if I told them about it. You all are crazy." I laughed some more.
"Gurl, I told you that I was crazy. I tell everyone that I am crazy, and I mean it," She said in complete seriousness.
And so our dinner continued. Honestly, I had the best time I'd had in a long time; I know it was partly Margarita, but the major part was Mother. She was like a cartoon character come to life. She really reminded me of those giant cartoon figure balloons (( Bullwinkle, to be exact )) that you see floating on T.V. at the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade.............Yeah, she was crazy as hell, but she could certainly put a smile on my face and keep it there. I'd never met anyone like her..............and I never would again, either.
We finished our dinner and another round of drinks, paid for the meal and started to exit, but not before Mother chased down our blonde waiter with his tip. She'd written her number on the twenty dollar bill, (( gay people always over tip )) and she wanted him to know it.
"Honey, I learned a long time ago that when a straight man is home and alone and he feels a tug in his drawers that he doesn't care who makes it go away. He'll call," Mother assured me.
As we got into Mother's Oldsmobile tank, she asked me if I wanted to swing by the bar on the way back to her place.
"So, what happened next?" I asked on the edge of my booth.
"The little sissy ran crying off the stage. I know we're never supposed to go for the wig because it breaks the allusion of the impersonation for all of us, but she still looked like a woman even if it was Sinead O'Connor, and really, gurl, I thought she'd have it pinned in............." Mother laughed and let out a wail before she continued, "But she doesn't have anything to pin it to!"
"So, Fiona is bald as a boy?" I started to giggle -- not because Fiona was bald, but because of the way Mother was telling her story. Some bald men can be very attractive.
"As a cue ball!!!" Mother slapped her leg and guffawed. "And now everyone knows. If she ever comes to the bar as a boy, she always has a ball cap on................Now, we know why. And she's ugly as shit," Mother doubled over in laughter. I chuckled, too. It was a much needed laugh, and the margaritas were kicking in too. The chuckle grew into a laugh and before I knew it, we were having one of those rare moments of unbridled laughter that subsided to a giggle and then rose again to a full belly laugh. We really tried to squelch it because people were beginning to notice, and then Mother snorted out of her nose, and it erupted all over again. Our food arrived as we were both literally lying on our distintive booth seats trying to compose ourselves only to suffer another wave of laughter. Every time I thought it was going to end, in my mind's eye, I'd see that haughty bitch twirling on Mother's back bald headed, sequins sparkling, rhinestones blazing, and I'd crack up again. I do have to admit that imagining Mother twirling in high drag with another queen on her back was enough to get a tremor out of me, too. But, I didn't tell Mother that. I just let her think it was all about Fiona, but I was seeing the full picture. Suddenly, an idea struck me.
"Don't they video tape your performances? I managed to eke out.
"Oh God, I hope not," Mother's laugh waned, and she suddenly looked serious...like an ominous light bulb had suddenly lit up in her head, and I could actually see her consciously wipe the look of concern off of her face as she continued, but a pensive look still appeared in her eyes, "Yeah, sometimes Darrell brings his video camera and tapes the shows, but he didn't film on Thanksgiving night."
"What did the audience do while all this was going on?" I had to ask appearing not to notice her sudden change in mood.
"Gurl, the lesbians got into it. I don't know what happened, but it was a free-for-all for awhile. Someone ripped Virg's wife beater off and her Ace bandage unraveled like a mummy and her titties were knocking bare in that bar like a set of click-clacks. Some of those lesbians don't need a reason to fight; they just start throwing punches," She said perplexed but with a little laughter in her voice.
"You caused a bar brawl?" I asked as I felt another tremor begin to shake me.
"Shit, yes," she said kind of perturbed. "Twyman called me and told me that I'd have to pay for 6 of those damn fairy lights and 14 broken glasses. Gurl, she had it figured to the penny: 42.59." And she said the nine like a true southern girl.
"Lord, have mercy," I just had to do a major guffaw at that one. "He is cheap."
"Gurl, you've got to get hold of yourself and eat. I think you've had too many of those margaritas."
"Margaritas, my ass. Anyone would be doubled over at this crazy story. No one would believe this if I told them about it. You all are crazy." I laughed some more.
"Gurl, I told you that I was crazy. I tell everyone that I am crazy, and I mean it," She said in complete seriousness.
And so our dinner continued. Honestly, I had the best time I'd had in a long time; I know it was partly Margarita, but the major part was Mother. She was like a cartoon character come to life. She really reminded me of those giant cartoon figure balloons (( Bullwinkle, to be exact )) that you see floating on T.V. at the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade.............Yeah, she was crazy as hell, but she could certainly put a smile on my face and keep it there. I'd never met anyone like her..............and I never would again, either.
We finished our dinner and another round of drinks, paid for the meal and started to exit, but not before Mother chased down our blonde waiter with his tip. She'd written her number on the twenty dollar bill, (( gay people always over tip )) and she wanted him to know it.
"Mother, he's straight. He'll never call you, " I tried to convince her, but I wasn't totally convinced myself......
"Honey, I learned a long time ago that when a straight man is home and alone and he feels a tug in his drawers that he doesn't care who makes it go away. He'll call," Mother assured me.
As we got into Mother's Oldsmobile tank, she asked me if I wanted to swing by the bar on the way back to her place.
"If you promise to behave yourself, I'll go for ONE drink, " I stressed....against my better judgment. For some reason, I remembered the sound of the Gong Show bong that had started the night. I think the Lord was trying to tell me something, but the tequila made me brush it off. But, I made her wait a minute while I quickly ran inside to empty my bladder. I didn't want to have to do that at Our House........as you can understand, I'm sure. The blonde waiter made a point of shaking my hand and thanking me again as I exited Acapulco's alone which I thought was a little strange, but I assumed he was just a nice southern boy who was simply grateful for his over-tip, but there was something in his handshake and the look in his eyes which made me pause for just a second....nah, I told myself, it's probably the tequila, and I hurried to Mother's oldsmobile................. While we rode in her luxury (?) vehicle, we laughed all the way to the bar, and we were still laughing when we were buzzed inside. The lesbian with the 10 teeth and afro was behind the bar. Cherry had the night off.
Before we barely got inside the door, Mother let out in a booming voice ( you'd swear that there had been more than Dr. Pepper in her Pina Colada ), "Well, hello, Miss Kitty."
I loved Mother! And a cartoon character come to life is a perfect description!
ReplyDeleteShe was a true origional!