Tricks

Beyonka? I thought to myself...hmmm..or is it Bianca?

"How do you spell it?" I asked.  They looked at me like I was nuts, and sometimes I am, but I just had to know if her name was really Beyonka or if that was the Arkansan pronunciation of Bianca.

"B...I...A...N...C...A," Cora spelled out slowly, and she still had that same look in her eyes.  She seemed kind of impatiently perturbed, too..but I pretended not to notice.

"Bianca?" I tried to clarify using the commonly accepted pronunciation.

"Yes, gurl, that's what we said, Beyonka," Mother said as she exchanged bewildered glances at Cora, and they didn't even notice the difference between my pronunciation and theirs.

"Oh, I just thought she might have had some strange spelling to her name like her first name was B and her last name was Anka.  You know how dramatic drag queens can be with their names, " and I finished with a nervously fake laugh.  In truth, I was thinking quickly on my feet because I didn't want to offend them or make jest of their speech patterns, because I wasn't really making fun of them.  I was enjoying the lesson in this Southern dialect.  I know I am weird, but I have always thought that linguistics was interesting.  But, the fact remained that the Bitch's name was Bianca.  These southerners just sounded like a gaggle of geese when they said, "Beyonka."  They kind of honked it through their noses. 

I'd  learn that Mother tended to mispronounce many words which had absolutely nothing to do with her Southern dialect. She just didn't talk right or she didn't hear right........... Later, we all had a friend named Libba, but Mother insisted on calling her Luba  -- to her face, and she was serious in her pronunciation.  Libba was too nice to correct her, but you know I did.  And Mother would look me directly in the face and say, "Gurl, you need to listen, that's what I said..LUBA".....................I tried multiple times to get her to say the poor girl's name correctly, but she just wouldn't or couldn't.  Each time, she'd swear that she was saying Libba when she was really saying LUBA........And, it didn't end there.  I could give  multiple examples, but one of the funniest was her mispronunciation of a soap star's name.    Mother was a big fan of "All my Children." I swear the world stopped for her when she watched that soap opera, but she always referred to Susan Lucci as Susan FALucci...LOL...I always got a kick out of Mother's vocalizations, but she never knew that, and I eventually gave up trying to correct her.  Life was simply more enjoyable listening to her mispronunciations.

At about that time, the phone, which hung on the inside kitchen wall, rang.  Mother sprang up from her chair and almost trampled our feet to get to it.  She had to get it by the third ring she said, or the machine would pick up.  ( as if that was such a big deal?)  Our conversation about Bianca/Beyonka would have to wait until another time. I had more important things to discuss. I took my opportunity with Cora as soon as I could hear Mother talking on the phone.

"Does she choke people often?" I asked almost under my breath.

"Let's just say, queen, that this wasn't the first time, and it won't be the last time," Cora sighed.  Her pet word was "queen", and she used it the same way that mother used "gurl".  Everybody was a queen to Cora even if they weren't.  It wasn't a derisive or derogatory word.  It was just HER word.

"Has she ever really hurt anyone?" I had to press onward with this while I had my opportunity.

"Ohhhhhhhhh yes, queen.  She cracked her Dr.Pepper over some bitch's head from Tulsa  and gashed her skull, and it completely ruined one of her best frocks.  She couldn't get the stains out, and she tried everything -- even hairspray," Cora whispered even lower.

"Whose dress? Mother's or the queen's," I asked kind of bewildered.  Truthfully, I was more concerned with the head gash than the ruined dress. 

"Mother's, of course.  I don't know what happened to the other queen's dress, " Cora said to me in that you're-stupid tone.....................  Lord, now she was using it on me.  Did I really sound that stupid? I thought to myself because these people sounded crazier than a team of shit house rats, and I was completely normal.

"What happened to the queen and who was she?" I continued with this line of questioning.

"She was in some travelling troupe of drag queens from Tulsa. I didn't know her personally.  Debbie, a lesbian who works at St. Joe's emergency room, told us she got 87 stitches, but we never saw or heard from her again.  Mother cracked her over the head with one of those Ball quart jars, and it broke.  They had to dig glass out of her skull, eyes and ear.....Twyman never even tried to book anyone from that area again, either.  We kind of got a reputation because of Mother's temper."

"Have there been others?"

"Ohhhhhhhh yes, ma'am.  Let me tell you something, queen.  I love Mother, and she is one of my best friends, but she's crazy.  You don't want to make her mad.  If you are good to Mother, she will be good to you.  If you piss her off bad enough, you might as well leave town because she will make your life a living hell if she doesn't beat the hell out of you," Cora seemed to be sending me a warning.

We could hear Mother laughing at the top of her lungs in the kitchen....and then we heard that characteristic wail. I vaguely heard "every Tuesday night" trail off after the wail.  Hmmm...I thought...No, it couldn't be....and then I heard, "No, I wasn't the one drinking the Margaritas"...hmm..oh yes, it could be, I thought.

"Does she have anger management issues?" I tried to distance myself from the situation by placing a technical term on it.

"And then some................... I'm telling you, she is as crazy as a two-headed rooster, but she'd tell you that herself.  She tells everyone she is crazy.  I know it is hard to believe when she is in one of her good moods, but you got a taste of the bad Mother tonight.  Don't forget it. " Cora explained.

"Does this happen much?"  I asked cautiously.

"Every now and then, but we can usually see it coming, and we know to keep her out of the bar.  I knew there would be more trouble after Thanksgiving night, and I was hoping you all would stay at Acapulco's til the bar closed, " Cora said and leaned in closer to me as her voice went even lower and her expressions became more exaggerated.   

"Those two queens  double-teamed mother, and not in a good way.  She's lying if she said she wasn't hurt because she was.  Dixie and Fiona attacked her on stage...on STAGE........  They should have known better.  They embarrassed her......  Good Lord, they had her on the floor kicking her.  Dennis video taped it, and I bought the original from him so everyone wouldn't see it," Cora said.

Ah ha.  I knew Mother was lying to me about the video tape.  I knew it was popular to video almost all drag shows because a lot of people were sending them into "America's Funniest Videos" and making some good cash off of them, and Cherry had indicated that he'd watch the video tape later when I'd asked him if he was going to watch the show...............  Lord knows, someone would have won the million dollar grand prize with this video.

"So, where's the video?" I asked, cuz you KNOW damn well that I wanted to see it.

"In my safe, and no one will ever see it, but I'll keep it for my own reasons," Cora said.  Hmmm...was she going to blackmail Mother with it?

"You bought it from him? How much?" I just had to ask.

"300.00,  but don't tell Mother.  She'll feel bad if she knows I paid that much for it, but I couldn't let it be passed around all over.  It would have wrecked her.  It was bad enough that the bar was full, but it would have been all over the state if I hadn't bought it, and THAT would have put her over the edge."

"The state? Mother is that well known?" I asked.

"Hell, yes.  She's been doing drag in Arkansas for years.  She, Cherry, Tuna and Marilyn used to  travel the Arkansas drag circuit, and they went all over doing shows:  Little Rock, Fayetteville, Fort Smith, Texarkana, El Dorado.  They even went to places that didn't have bars.  Those back woods gays would throw up  brush-arbors with Christmas lights attached to  car batteries and have drag shows out in the boonies, and our Hot Springs girls would go perform.  The KKK even showed up one time and burned a cross and set the brush-arbor on fire.  It's a miracle our girls made it out alive.  Not everyone was so lucky," Cora tried to fill me in on some of Mother's history, but suddenly we were no longer alone.

"Gurl, what are you whispering to him?" Mother asked suspiciously. Looking back, I bet it did look suspicious because we were kind of huddled down close on the sofa whispering to each other.

"Oh, queen, I'm just bragging on you a little bit," Cora said nervously.

Seizing the opportunity to prevent any harsh feelings  (( and a possible queen choking )), I interjected quickly, "So you are famous in the whole state of Arkansas, and you used to travel around with other queens and do shows all over?"

Mother smiled.  Nah, it was more than a smile...I hate to say it, but..well....Okay, she gloated, and it erased our huddling image from her mind.

"Well, I don't know about famous, but we used to get a lot of out-of-town bookings," she said with false humility.

"Tell the truth, queen.  You all were the deal," Cora urged Mother onward.

Mother reached up to his hair and patted it a bit and said, " I had my time when I was in my prime, that's for sure."

"But enough of this reminiscing.  I know you both have to work tomorrow, and I know you are tired," Mother suddenly switched gears.

I got the impression that she wanted us to go which I felt was a little rude since we had cut our night short at the bar to care for her in her semi-catatonia.  It was obvious she was over whatever she'd been suffering from, but I wanted to get some more dirt.

"Are you sure you are okay?" I asked kindly.

"Well, I'm a hell of a lot better than Fiona," She laughed, and then we laughed with her.

"Come on, now.  You all gots to go,"Mother insisted as she motioned us up with both hands.

"Well, okay.  I'll go, " and I stood up and hugged Mother.  As she squeezed me tight and patted my back, it all fell into place.

"That waiter was on the phone, wasn't he, you slut?" I narrowed my eyes at her as I pulled away from the hug, and I feigned shock. 

Okay, I'll admit it, I wasn't faking the shock all that much cuz that waiter was cute, and I had thought he was straight, but I'd learn that Mother had a way with men that I never fully understood.  I had no physical attraction to her at all.  Zilch.  But, a lot of men, especially supposed heterosexual men, really liked to ride on her merry-go-roung.  Mother referred to them as her "back door trade", and she literally made them enter and exit through the side door in the kitchen that led outside, and she made them park in the alley.  She told me that a true Southern woman had to maintain her gentility  -- whatever that meant  -- and not let her drawers be aired for public viewing -- again, whatever that meant.

"I'll never tell," Mother laughed giddily, but you know she told us every thrust and lick the next time she saw us and forgot about the gentility.

Cora chimed in with a laugh, "I should have known that we weren't nearly as important as one of your tricks."