I was young. I was innocent.............and I was very naive. I'd heard about this kind of stuff and seen it on 20/20, but I certainly hadn't lived it before.............and I was in one of those predicaments that your Mama always warns you about. Granted, I had just moved to Hot Springs and had started to meet some of the local characters, and I enjoyed their company, but I got the feeling that I was about to compromise myself, and it wasn't a feeling that I liked.
"Just where does he intend on playing?" I asked in a sarcastic bitch voice.
"In the back seat while we're driving around." Mother said incredulously -- like I should have been born knowing this information...like I was stupid.............
"I had no idea ya'll had this in mind when you talked about checking out the merchandise," and then I paused to catch my breath. "I don't do this......Can we please go?"
I glanced back into the back seat and noticed a BIG black member stuck through the passenger side window. Cora had rolled down the window a couple inches and was giving it lip service. I cringed.
"Cora, what are you doing?" I asked. I'd been waylaid...and the black guy was being window-laid and licked as he stood on the sidewalk on Central Avenue, and Cora was in doggy position with her face toward the slightly opened window in that same damn rabbit coat (( I had to resist the urge to say "Mush! Mush! )) -- with her toupee' smooshed against the car's upholstered ceiling because of the angle of the whopper dangle. (( Imagine a Jelly Belly'd St. Bernard -- sans the tail -- eating an overripe Plantain, and you've got the picture.))
"Saving a 100 bucks, girl." she managed between slurps.
"Mother, please, get me out of here. I really don't like this...." I pleaded, nicely.
"Do you think you're better than we are?" Mother asked sarcastically.
"YES..HELL, YES, I think I'm better than this ....I think YOU'RE better than this......He could have a gun.......We could get shot....." I pleaded as I glanced again to the back seat. I, honestly, had no idea what this man looked like. As far as I knew, this could just be a floating black penis that just landed on the window -- and truthfully, wasn't that all it was, anyway?...................... Cora was behaving very unladly-like............and it appeared that her eyes were rolled back in her head as she continued to do what she'd been doing before..........(( It is true what they say about black men, by the way.....he was more than a Cora mouth-ful.))
But, Mother didn't say anything. She gave me a quick glance and then resumed looking out the window. So, I tried another angle. "This is illegal, you know."
"No shit, Sherlock. Why do you think I keep looking out the window?" she said in that you're-stupid tone.................again. I sat there for awhile, and I remembered all of the other times that she'd talked to me like I was trash. I remembered seeing her interact with Fiona and Mitzi, and realized that she would continue treating me like I was nothing until I made her stop. I also knew that if she had respected me that I wouldn't be in my current predicament...................so it had to happen, and it had to happen,now....and I'd need to make it memorable.
"God DAMN it!" I screamed and slapped the dashboard. Mother jerked a bit, but still kept her head cocked toward the street. I thought I heard a cease in the slurpage, but it quickly resumed, so I pressed on with even more fervency. "I'm not one of these stupid bitches from around her, and don't fucking talk to me like I am. Get me the fuck out of here!" I cussed and yelled and banged my hands on the dashboard to try to shake them from their trance-like state, but no one seemed phased by it ((besides my hands stung, and I figured I looked like a damn fool )). Mother continued on her look-out, and I could still hear heavy slurps from the back seat. I considered simply leaving, but in my mind, Central Avenue Cinderella'd into Hot Springs Pink-light district at midnight or otherwise there wouldn't be a dick stuck in the window. I didn't know what danger awaited me on the streets if I decided to flee............and then I started to see red and blue lights (( it wasn't even Christmas yet, but lights were a heavy theme of the evening )) dimly circulating on the interior of the car. My heart fell, and my life passed before my eyes. I knew that I'd be arrested for being one of those "Watch-queens" that I'd read about in the hidden copy of my Mother's book "Everything you wanted to Know about Sex, but Were Afraid to Ask" that she kept in the lower kitchen cabinet behind the trash can ( and I started sneaking peaks at it at about 12 when I found it one Easter morning while digging for her electric skillet). BUT I wasn't watching anything....and I wasn't a queen!!! Do you really think I wanted to see Fido in rabbit fur eat this bone? ((I'd been afraid that he'd want to bury that bone the whole time. I think I could have faced the cops better than witness that ass-trocity)).
Luckily, Mother saw the same thing, and with no verbal warning to any of us (( that's Cora, Me AND the black penis)), she floored the accelerator.
The member was ripped out of the doggy Hoover in mid-suck, and Cora was slammed against the back seat. If Cora's temporary "employee" -- who'd been working very hard..... -- hadn't been standing on the sidewalk, Mother would have run her tank over his feet. Instead, he was left with a bruised penis that stood exposed where Cora had left it. (( I only assume that it was black AND blue since it was slammed against the door frame, because I never saw it again...............)). Mother drove like a maniac, turned right on Prospect and then took the left side of the Y onto Quapaw at the top of the hill. She sped past the Synagogue and a few small motels and then whipped into an alley behind Starlight Apartments, and told us all to duck down.
"What have you gotten me into?" I asked in a panic as I fit myself snugly between the glove box and passenger seat ((and assumed a position of prayer)).
"Shut up, gurl!" Mother demanded as we all hunkered down into her car, but I ignored her and continued with my speech. For some reason, it always helps me to just get all of my feelings out, and sometimes I forget about the feelings of the person listening..........and sometimes, I just flat out don't care.
"I swear, I'll never go anywhere with you two again. Don't you understand that an indiscretion like this can still appear on your record if you are caught....and you'll be labelled a sex offender? I have plans for my life. I don't want to wait tables for eternity, and I wasn't even doing anything. I won't ever let you put my life or my reputation or my future in jeopardy again. " I promised them and paused as they raised themselves and gazed at me in half-hunker, and I should have stopped then, but I didn't.
"You don't know what it's like to have dreams, and to want more for yourself, do you? You are satisfied with flipping burgers and wearing a damn dress, Mother..................... And Cora, you figure you can buy yourself out of any situation.......................... I can't....... This is NOT what I want for my life. How could you be so selfish and risk my everything?" I preached to a pair of lonely drag queens who, I could tell, were a bit surprised by my reaction. I would have opened the car door and run if I could have, but I was still new to this town, and I really had no idea where I was at this point. I didn't know that safety was only 2 blocks away.
"Oh hell, gurl, I've been doing this for twenty years. None of us have ever been caught. Besides, half of them cops are my back-door trade. I could get us out of it.....Just calm down, honey. You are making this a big deal when it's not, " Mother tried to soothe with untruths, but I could tell her words were lies because fright had captured her irises and wouldn't let them go...............and I'd never seen anyone casually talk in the darkness while being squeezed by a steering wheel and a bottom car seat. She knew damn well it was a big deal.
"Queen....." Cora said sheepishly. "He was probably on another call because he would have caught us by now. I think we need to get her home," and he pointed at me. Cora had managed to face us in his hunker (( Someway or other, he'd managed to pour all that jelly in the back seat floor boards and she'd positioned her face where the lowered arm-rest should have been)) , and I stuck my toungue out at her then slammed the arm-rest in her face.
"Nah," Mother said. "Let's stay here a little longer. We need to make sure Miss Bitch is safe. I can tell she's scared..and she needs to get calmed down," and she returned to her hunker............and I'd suddenly been dubbed Miss Bitch because I stood up for myself (( and by the way, that became my title)).
Scared? I thought? Yeah, I was frightened a bit. I was a little more than afraid that an innocent Central- cruising could ruin any future plans that I had, AND I was alone in Hot Springs. I had no tethers. If I had been arrested, I certainly couldn't call my family in Oklahoma to bail me out (( and they wouldn't have anyway)), and I wouldn't drag my sister out of her house to suffer the disgrace. Even if I had only been an innocent bystander -- and I was -- in Mother and Cora's romp on the seedy playground, no one would believe me.
After Mother thought for a minute, her attitude soured toward me. She tried to turn the situation around on me and get me to believe it was my fault which is a manipulation that only works on simple-minded people. She'd underestimated me, and it only pissed me off more.
"Mary," Mother said. "If we would have been caught, it would have been your damn fault because you cussed me and made me nervous, so I squeeled my tires as we pulled out."
.................and I realized that she hadn't understood what I'd said. I didn't WANT to be in that Central Seedy Playground Predicament period, but she couldn't comprehend my brand of gay. She was blaming all this on me when they were the ones breaking the law in broad night-light in downtown Hot Springs. Although I had participated in activities that I'd never confess to a Priest -- because I'm sure it would embarrass him -- I'd never experienced anything as base as this. It disgusted me, but I bit my tongue. Any protests that I would have given would have fallen on deaf ears.............I had the feeling that I had left Alice in Wonderland and had entered the male version of Rubyfruit Jungle. Alice had transformed into Molly Bolt in the streets of New York, and this was Hot Springs, Arkansas...but Molly was me!
Finally, Mother thought enough time had elapsed for us to make a getaway. She had to open her door and get out of the car and stretch, because she said she had swollen in her hunker and couldn't maneuver her way out from under the steering wheel. As luck would have it, a rickety old Gray hair in a duster, curlers and Noxema face was taking out her trash just then and Mother had to exchange 15 minutes of the breeze with her. (( These southerners will talk to anyone at any time about anything. The jist of their wind trading had to do with Oatmeal, honey and various other types of facials. The lady finally walked away when Larry suggested spermatazoa as a perfect moisturizing cream and referenced Cleopatra's use of it ......I figured the hag thought Mother was hitting on her.))
The alley she had taken, let us out on Ouachita where Mother turned right. It took me a minute to find my bearings and realize that we were near Acapulco's. As we drove by, we saw Bart leaned up against his Trans-Am which was parked on the street, shirt untucked, talking to someone. He looked very casual and relaxed. I felt relief when I saw him, and I just wanted to be with him -- where it was safe and predictable.........I could see that he was chatting, but I couldn't make out the other person in the dim light of night. There were no street lights in this area. Only the light of a very full moon lit the store-fronts.
Mother slowed down and blasted her horn. He looked toward us with a surprised look on his face. Suddenly, moonlight shifted onto the girl he'd been talking to and she appeared to quietly slip away into the darkness. ((AND I felt a ping of suspicion....the precursor of jealousy )). Because there was no traffic at this time of the night, Mother ground her wheels to a hault in the middle of Ouachita. Bart approached my window which I rolled down with gusto. It was so good to see a person who actually cared for me and my well-being (( and who didn't wear a badge or Noxema)). The sight of him felt like a gulp of Gatorade in the desert.
"Hey," he greeted me with those Pepsodents fully engaged. "What are you all up to?"
"You don't want to know," I said as he squatted beside the car. He reached in and finger brushed my hair out of my eyes. I could smell the faint sweetness of wine on his breath. I wanted this knight in shining armor to whisk me away from these two crazies, but I knew that I had to get my vehicle from Mother's duplex, and I still didn't want Mother to know about my secret. I knew that gays vultured around "fresh meat", and they'd treat Bart like prey. Of course, I wanted to keep him for myself, but it wasn't just that. He was good ,and he had a pure heart. He deserved to be treated like a person, and not like road-kill.
"We just stopped to say, hi," Mother said quickly. "We'll see you next week." Bart gave me a perplexed look as he stood straight and Mother sped off. I watched him walk to his Trans-Am in the passenger door rear-view mirror, but I didn't see him get in his car.........The road curved and sullied my view before I could verify the safety of my heart. (( Who was that girl? Was it his ex-fiance in search of reunion?))
"No, I won't be joining you next week," I said firmly and quietly. Mother sighed. Cora didn't make a peep. ( I thanked God that she wasn't still slurping, and that I had escaped this lesson unscathed.)
The next few blocks were silent with only the whir of the engine and car heater meeting our ears, and my mind yelling at me to calm down. My heart was racing. I was so mad...at myself...for being so stupid to allow myself to be in this predicament. In that moment I determined that I'd never allow myself to be at the mercy of someone else.
"I'm sorry," Mother said quietly as she pulled her Oldsmobile into her carport, but she only spoke the words, she didn't feel them. She'd grown up in this culture, and it was normal for her. She was several years older than I and Mother was from a different generation. I'd grown up in the age of AIDS which was something she'd encountered in her adult years after she'd already been walking on this path. Her only world view was shaded with sequins and spring water. She didn't know anything else but this life, in this place.
"I'm not," I said as I got out of her car, slammed the side door and walked to my truck. As I drove back to my apartment, guilt tried to tell me that I shouldn't have reacted in the way I did, but self-worth told me that I'd done the right thing...a little too loudly, perhaps...but still the right thing. My heart told me that I should give Mother another chance; my brain told me that I needed to find other friends. Guilt told me that I was being too judgmental, and that I shouldn't have yelled at Mother, but Self-worth stuck up his hand and added that I'd been needing to draw some boundary lines around Mother anyway, and if our fledgling friendship survived, she'd know how she was allowed to talk to me and what not to do when I was with her. Common Sense, along with Mini-Andrew, finally stood up hand-in-hand and told me that I'd been taking care of myself, and that I was stupid for even letting Guilt speak. The conversations in my mind were confusing as I parked outside my apartment, and I told them all to be quiet. I tried to purge the image of Cora in doggy-style oral delight out of my mind, but I knew that I'd have flashbacks for months......... I needed to get in my apartment, find that letter and brush my teeth before Bart arrived. I had a better evening ahead planned, and I'd just think about it tomorrow. It always worked for Scarlett O'Hara.
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