"I'm glad it's you, Harlene," Mother said to the cop and I took note of another "ene" in Hot Springs. This one just happened to be a boxy built lesbo in a police uniform wearing rubber gloves and brandishing a pistol. "And don't you point that gun at me, honey. I've known you since you were knee-high to a grasshopper, and I'm not the one causing any trouble. I'm ending it. You should have been here ten minutes ago when these heathrens shut off the power and attacked us." ( I think she meant heathens, but she said heathRens.....)
"Hell, I wouldn't have stopped at all if I hadn't seen the lights were off. What is going on here?" and then she paused and looked at me. "Hi, I'm Harlene." and I replied with a hello and a self-introduction....
"It's nice to meet ya', but could you take your foot off his head so he can talk to me?" she asked me ever so politely like this sort of thing happened to me all the time. ( BUT, it didn't........unless I was with Mother....). I stepped away, and Harlene stooped to talk to the lassoed bigot with a taste for midget thangs.
As her eyes got a little closer to the villain, she got a puzzled look on her face and said, "Charles Ray, is that you?"
"Please don't tell Mama that we were here, Aunt Harlene," Charles Ray, the skinny, scarecrow, egg-throwing, dick-sucking, red-neck bigot begged as he bawled while Mother held his belted hands tightly behind him and straddled his butt....but he didn't say Aunt; he said Aint..these Southerners do that. They use "aint" to mean a lot of things, and it's not even a real word.
"And please," he pleaded. "Don't let them make me squeal like a pig. This fat lady's been sittin' on my ass for a long time, but I think she's really a Chinese man wearin' a harlot's dress. " Mother squeezed Charles Ray's hands a little tighter on that one, and I had to bite the inside of my cheek to keep from laughing, but he wasn't quite finished yet.
"We just came here to spread the good news to these sinners," He tried to sound very holy to his Aunt, but he wasn't fooling her either; James Leroy chimed in with an,"Amen!" and it was all I could do not to spit on both of them who looked a little slain in the Spirit, but they were really laid-out by drag queens. They'd been throwing eggs like Old Testament stones only a few minutes prior, and I guess they were trying to justify their behavior to their aunt, but she was one of us unbeknownst to them. (( They really need to tell people in church what lesbians look like, because straight people miss the blatantly obvious lesbian clues all the time. With one glance, I knew what team she played on, and I hadn't even looked at her fingernails.....))
"Mother, get off of him. This is my nephew, " Harlene said with a sigh and some shame intermingled with disgust, and then she looked over at the midget lying on the ground who had opened his eyes when she arrived ( which just confirmed that he had been playing opossum all along) and was trying to look all pious -- as best as he could. I am sure he would have dubbed it, 'Suffering for Jesus', if given the opportunity.
"Well, these are my nephews..my sisters, Darlene's and Charlene's, boys"....( this "ene" thing ran rampant in the South)............and then she looked at Mother as she unstraddled Charles Ray and rose with a little indication of a crick in her back.....( and it was no wonder her back hurt. If you would have seen the way she'd spun and threw her legs like Bruce Lee...YOUR back would have hurt for her. Those moves weren't made for middle-aged, big-girl drag queens...).... "You remember my sisters, don't you Larry? We all used to come visit you at the bowling alley, and you always made us the best banana malts. The best in town. Couldn't get them anywhere else in town like yours."
Harlene stood up and put her gun in her holster, and Mother leaned over and hugged her, "Well, thank you. It was the honey AND brown sugar I put in them. No one else ever does that, and it DOES make a difference, but don't go telling no one my trade secrets, " Mother smiled and continued with this familiar mode which I thought was a good ploy considering she'd just beat the hay out of this cop's nephew....
"Y'all were such good little girls. Your twin sisters were always so pretty with their blonde curly hair, and you were such a Tom-boy in your Festus outfit and used to boss them all over the place. And now look at you, all grown up...You are a real live Festus, now," Mother chuckled, and as I looked at Harlene, I didn't doubt the Tom-boy part. Charles Ray began to rustle like he was going to sit up. I took a mental note to make sure I got my belt back.......( and if Harlene would have had a mustache and goatee, she would have been the spitting image of Festus from Gunsmoke.)
"Charles Ray, don't you move another muscle. You lay still," and she glanced over at her other nephew, "And you, too, James Leroy," She paused for a minute as if she was wondering what she should do. There seemed to be a battle in her mind, and she finally gave in to justice and bent over and roughly handcuffed each of her nephews where they lay. I could tell by the way she pursed her lips that she was bothered by her decision,and I am sure any aunt would have hated to be the one who had to handcuff her nephews, so I didn't judge her, but she gained my respect.
"Don't think you're getting out of this just because you are my nephews. When I got this uniform on, I am an officer of the law, and I can't believe that you would come down here and embarrass me like this. These are good people. Your Mamas and me have been knowing them since we were little........" she said as she finished cuffing James Leroy. Then she rose and walked to Mother Superior after telling Kerry and me to keep an eye on them ( and not to step on their heads anymore).
"I'm sorry about this, Larry," she called the wigless drag queen in sequins and spider web panty hose by his Christian name. "What all did they do this time?"
Then she lowered her voice to a whisper, and I barely overheard her plead "Was it really that bad? Is there something we can work out? I really don't want to haul my nephews into the station."
Before Mother answered, she reached up to primp her wig -- which wasn't there.
"My wig!! SiAra!...Oh my God, We forgot SiAra!" Mother said with some excitement as she ran over to the shed and started beating her hands on the boards, but I hadn't forgotten SiAra at all. I'd been wondering what the heck she'd been doing in that clap-board cubicle for a long time, but I guess Mother's mind had been on Karate kicks and Charles Ray.
"Hell, I wouldn't have stopped at all if I hadn't seen the lights were off. What is going on here?" and then she paused and looked at me. "Hi, I'm Harlene." and I replied with a hello and a self-introduction....
"It's nice to meet ya', but could you take your foot off his head so he can talk to me?" she asked me ever so politely like this sort of thing happened to me all the time. ( BUT, it didn't........unless I was with Mother....). I stepped away, and Harlene stooped to talk to the lassoed bigot with a taste for midget thangs.
As her eyes got a little closer to the villain, she got a puzzled look on her face and said, "Charles Ray, is that you?"
"Please don't tell Mama that we were here, Aunt Harlene," Charles Ray, the skinny, scarecrow, egg-throwing, dick-sucking, red-neck bigot begged as he bawled while Mother held his belted hands tightly behind him and straddled his butt....but he didn't say Aunt; he said Aint..these Southerners do that. They use "aint" to mean a lot of things, and it's not even a real word.
"And please," he pleaded. "Don't let them make me squeal like a pig. This fat lady's been sittin' on my ass for a long time, but I think she's really a Chinese man wearin' a harlot's dress. " Mother squeezed Charles Ray's hands a little tighter on that one, and I had to bite the inside of my cheek to keep from laughing, but he wasn't quite finished yet.
"We just came here to spread the good news to these sinners," He tried to sound very holy to his Aunt, but he wasn't fooling her either; James Leroy chimed in with an,"Amen!" and it was all I could do not to spit on both of them who looked a little slain in the Spirit, but they were really laid-out by drag queens. They'd been throwing eggs like Old Testament stones only a few minutes prior, and I guess they were trying to justify their behavior to their aunt, but she was one of us unbeknownst to them. (( They really need to tell people in church what lesbians look like, because straight people miss the blatantly obvious lesbian clues all the time. With one glance, I knew what team she played on, and I hadn't even looked at her fingernails.....))
"Mother, get off of him. This is my nephew, " Harlene said with a sigh and some shame intermingled with disgust, and then she looked over at the midget lying on the ground who had opened his eyes when she arrived ( which just confirmed that he had been playing opossum all along) and was trying to look all pious -- as best as he could. I am sure he would have dubbed it, 'Suffering for Jesus', if given the opportunity.
"Well, these are my nephews..my sisters, Darlene's and Charlene's, boys"....( this "ene" thing ran rampant in the South)............and then she looked at Mother as she unstraddled Charles Ray and rose with a little indication of a crick in her back.....( and it was no wonder her back hurt. If you would have seen the way she'd spun and threw her legs like Bruce Lee...YOUR back would have hurt for her. Those moves weren't made for middle-aged, big-girl drag queens...).... "You remember my sisters, don't you Larry? We all used to come visit you at the bowling alley, and you always made us the best banana malts. The best in town. Couldn't get them anywhere else in town like yours."
Harlene stood up and put her gun in her holster, and Mother leaned over and hugged her, "Well, thank you. It was the honey AND brown sugar I put in them. No one else ever does that, and it DOES make a difference, but don't go telling no one my trade secrets, " Mother smiled and continued with this familiar mode which I thought was a good ploy considering she'd just beat the hay out of this cop's nephew....
"Y'all were such good little girls. Your twin sisters were always so pretty with their blonde curly hair, and you were such a Tom-boy in your Festus outfit and used to boss them all over the place. And now look at you, all grown up...You are a real live Festus, now," Mother chuckled, and as I looked at Harlene, I didn't doubt the Tom-boy part. Charles Ray began to rustle like he was going to sit up. I took a mental note to make sure I got my belt back.......( and if Harlene would have had a mustache and goatee, she would have been the spitting image of Festus from Gunsmoke.)
"Charles Ray, don't you move another muscle. You lay still," and she glanced over at her other nephew, "And you, too, James Leroy," She paused for a minute as if she was wondering what she should do. There seemed to be a battle in her mind, and she finally gave in to justice and bent over and roughly handcuffed each of her nephews where they lay. I could tell by the way she pursed her lips that she was bothered by her decision,and I am sure any aunt would have hated to be the one who had to handcuff her nephews, so I didn't judge her, but she gained my respect.
"Don't think you're getting out of this just because you are my nephews. When I got this uniform on, I am an officer of the law, and I can't believe that you would come down here and embarrass me like this. These are good people. Your Mamas and me have been knowing them since we were little........" she said as she finished cuffing James Leroy. Then she rose and walked to Mother Superior after telling Kerry and me to keep an eye on them ( and not to step on their heads anymore).
"I'm sorry about this, Larry," she called the wigless drag queen in sequins and spider web panty hose by his Christian name. "What all did they do this time?"
Then she lowered her voice to a whisper, and I barely overheard her plead "Was it really that bad? Is there something we can work out? I really don't want to haul my nephews into the station."
Before Mother answered, she reached up to primp her wig -- which wasn't there.
"My wig!! SiAra!...Oh my God, We forgot SiAra!" Mother said with some excitement as she ran over to the shed and started beating her hands on the boards, but I hadn't forgotten SiAra at all. I'd been wondering what the heck she'd been doing in that clap-board cubicle for a long time, but I guess Mother's mind had been on Karate kicks and Charles Ray.
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