So there I stood, shivering in the December breeze, clutching a size 12 black patent pump in one hand and a billy-club flashlight in the other while 2 and half drag queens tried to climb a fence. I tried not to laugh at those clumsy queens as they attempted to hoist SiAra up and over the plank-board fence, but it was just impossible to hold it in. I released a few belly laughs before Mother scolded me and informed me of the seriousness of the situation. At first, Mother and Kerry joined hands and SiAra tried to step into their make-shift human step ladder to get a hoist, but she couldn't maintain her balance.
"Damn, bitch, how do you walk in heels if you can't even stand in our hands?" Mother asked while her lips quivered from the cold.
Then, Mother decided to get on her hands and knees -- which was a position in which she had ample experience, to provide a stepping stool for SiAra. That didn't work either. The sequins were just too slippery. SiAra fell off twice and busted her ass on the asphalt before she protested loudly enough that Mother listened to her.
"Shit, I need a country boy to do this," and Mother cast her eyes on me.
"Don't look at me, Queen. I might have been raised in the country, but I got sense enough to know that there are rats and mice and God knows what else up in there, and I don't give a canned fart whether you get these damn lights on or not. I'll just go home and to hell with all of you. I can't believe the shit you get me into..."And Mother could tell from my bitchy tone that I meant every word, but really, it was my anxiety over the entire situation that was speaking.
"Rats?" SiAra asked sheepishly, but Mother ignored her.
"Well, you don't have to be such a damn bitch about it," Mother said to me.
"The hell I don't," I said. "If I weren't, you'd be throwing my ass over that fence. Now, let's get this show on the road"
They all shut up after that, and I could tell that Mother wasn't too pleased with my protests, but honestly, I just had to lay down the law with Mother because she couldn't understand practicality unless it was rubbed in her face. I'm sure her anger at me gave her the extra umph to get SiAra over that fence because it wasn't two seconds later that she placed SiAra atop her shoulders and Kerry pushed her butt up just far enough so SiAra could get over the top. However, she somehow got Mother's wig caught in her crotch and scalped Mother's wig and took that with her over the fence and knocked Mother's sunglasses onto the frigid asphalt. And you know, Mother Superior had plenty to say about that.....and just as Ms. Superior had bent over and placed her sunglasses back on her irritated eyes, two red-necks came around the corner of the building.
"Well..well..well..What have we got here?" One of them said as he looked up at me ( because he was barely five feet tall). "What are you gonna' do with that shoe, boy?" he snarled as he walked up to me and pressed his chest against mine ( on his tip-toes). It wasn't a big chest because he was just a skinny Arkansas boy with more attitude than muscle....and I literally looked down my nose at him ( and diagnosed him with a Napoleon complex).
I really don't know what happened to me, but I was immediately on the defense. I was already pissed at this entire situation,and I certainly didn't need someone to rile me any further, but I think it was because this idiot really thought he could intimidate me. Straight men always underestimate us, but really..this midget thought he could scare me?
With as much meanness as I could possibly muster, I asked through clenched teeth, "Have you ever been heeled?"
"Damn, bitch, how do you walk in heels if you can't even stand in our hands?" Mother asked while her lips quivered from the cold.
Then, Mother decided to get on her hands and knees -- which was a position in which she had ample experience, to provide a stepping stool for SiAra. That didn't work either. The sequins were just too slippery. SiAra fell off twice and busted her ass on the asphalt before she protested loudly enough that Mother listened to her.
"Shit, I need a country boy to do this," and Mother cast her eyes on me.
"Don't look at me, Queen. I might have been raised in the country, but I got sense enough to know that there are rats and mice and God knows what else up in there, and I don't give a canned fart whether you get these damn lights on or not. I'll just go home and to hell with all of you. I can't believe the shit you get me into..."And Mother could tell from my bitchy tone that I meant every word, but really, it was my anxiety over the entire situation that was speaking.
"Rats?" SiAra asked sheepishly, but Mother ignored her.
"Well, you don't have to be such a damn bitch about it," Mother said to me.
"The hell I don't," I said. "If I weren't, you'd be throwing my ass over that fence. Now, let's get this show on the road"
They all shut up after that, and I could tell that Mother wasn't too pleased with my protests, but honestly, I just had to lay down the law with Mother because she couldn't understand practicality unless it was rubbed in her face. I'm sure her anger at me gave her the extra umph to get SiAra over that fence because it wasn't two seconds later that she placed SiAra atop her shoulders and Kerry pushed her butt up just far enough so SiAra could get over the top. However, she somehow got Mother's wig caught in her crotch and scalped Mother's wig and took that with her over the fence and knocked Mother's sunglasses onto the frigid asphalt. And you know, Mother Superior had plenty to say about that.....and just as Ms. Superior had bent over and placed her sunglasses back on her irritated eyes, two red-necks came around the corner of the building.
"Well..well..well..What have we got here?" One of them said as he looked up at me ( because he was barely five feet tall). "What are you gonna' do with that shoe, boy?" he snarled as he walked up to me and pressed his chest against mine ( on his tip-toes). It wasn't a big chest because he was just a skinny Arkansas boy with more attitude than muscle....and I literally looked down my nose at him ( and diagnosed him with a Napoleon complex).
I really don't know what happened to me, but I was immediately on the defense. I was already pissed at this entire situation,and I certainly didn't need someone to rile me any further, but I think it was because this idiot really thought he could intimidate me. Straight men always underestimate us, but really..this midget thought he could scare me?
With as much meanness as I could possibly muster, I asked through clenched teeth, "Have you ever been heeled?"
No comments:
Post a Comment