Cherry's voice came over the loud speakers and announced the next performer. Her name was preceded by the many titles she'd won. She'd been Miss Gay Lake DeGray, Miss Gay of the Ouachitas, Miss Gay Bath House National Park, Miss Gay Arkansas Rodeo, Miss Gay Toad Suck, Miss Gay Watermelon, Miss Gay Garland County Fair....By the time Cherry had named all of the crowns this queen held, I was bored, and I nearly missed the name of the queen...so I turned to Kerry to confirm that I'd heard it right...and Cherry had even pronounced it correctly. She was known simply as
BIANCA
Or, as Mother and Cora referred to her: BEYONKA. Finally, I realized why Mother had been so rigid when this blonde Aphrodite had kissed her on the cheek, and my 2 and 2's had finally made a four and I knew why Mother had been searching the crowd all evening until the arrival of this queen. Miss Superior had fully expected Bianca to perform tonight, but she'd kept it to herself and had hoped against hope that it would never actually happen. It also explained why Mother was in majestic Dillard's ( tag-tucked) drag with her matching sidekick twins..and the mace might have dampened her plans a bit....but like a true warrior princess she'd pressed onward with sunglasses.
BIANCA
Mother's bane. The bitch was drop dead gorgeous, and as I'd heard Mother exclaim in the past about other queens, "No one could touch her on beauty..." Bianca's throne had been usurped or surrendered at the new bar -- name still unknown, and reasons still unclear -- and she'd returned to Our House with her tiara between her legs to perform in a talent night. The audience's cheers at her smile should have told me plenty, but I'd been distracted by the beans and boiled eggs....and Mother's grandiose horn tooting, but the pieces of the puzzle were joining in my mind and adding up to be a most disastrous night for Mother....or so it seemed when Bette's torch-song started for Bianca
I glanced sideways at Mother and her face was as hard as marble. No emotion played on her facade, and I couldn't see her eyes which were still covered by movie-star sunglasses, but I knew they were steely and glazed over. I didn't have to see them. I just knew; her thumb told me all I needed to know. Her hands were folded primly in her lap and only her right thumb that rubbed her index finger told the true story. It swished back and forth over her pointer so hard that I thought she was trying to start a forest fire with her fingers.............but everything else was calm and quiet. If nothing else, Mother was respecting the art form, but she was burning inside......and only her thumb was releasing the pressure. But, I knew Mother, and I knew she'd need more of a release...........All the omens came together in that instant, and I knew what God had been trying to tell me. I just had to go with it. It was simply too late to interceed.
I heard the song before I saw the queen....."It must have been cold there in my shadow"............Oh, no she didn't...."To never have sunlight in your face".....And, I glanced up to behold a lovely queen standing directly in front of us, lip synching undeviatingly to Mother. Her costume was sheer perfection -- white and silver glimmers...large fringe...and it was wrapped form-fitting ( glue-gunned, I'd learn later) around her...save for her arms...the "fabric" seemed loose there.
"Did you ever know that you're my hero,
and everything I would like to be?
I can fly higher than an eagle,
'cause you are the wind beneath my wings"
She spread-eagled her arms on "wings"....and flapped them slowly. The "fabric" of her costume seemed to be webbed to her arms and formed unexpected wings that shimmered in the spotlight ( and made crinkly, whooshing sounds that only the front row could hear). Seraphic. Heavenly. Celestial. And then I looked closer at the "fabric" of her garment.....I could have sworn that I'd seen those streamers hanging at a car wash....But, she sync'd precisely to Mother..and Mother didn't break her gaze. She stared right back..unmoving..unflinching...Was this a stand-off between drag queens or was it a sincere heartfelt apology from one sister to another? ( Or was it just a manipulative ass-kissing move to coolly get back in Mother's good graces?)...
Although both aisles were filled with drag-fans waving dollar bills, Bianca stood firm and sync'd to Mother ONLY. From my vantage point, it appeared that Bianca didn't see anyone else in the room except Mother. Hester,with chin resting in one hand, even waved a twenty at her with the other hand, and Bianca ignored it, and her eyes did not waiver from Mother Superior who sat stony still, and glared into the eyes of Bianca ( I think ....I should say the sunglasses were aimed in that direction, but I'm telling what I felt as well as what I saw...and there were glares there.......and nothing else...except maybe daggers).
"Did I ever tell you you're my hero?
You're everything, everything I wish I could be.
Oh, and I, I could fly higher than an eagle,
'cause you are the wind beneath my wings,
'cause you are the wind beneath my wings."
Bianca became more exaggerated in her angelic ( emu) imitation and flapped her wings with more intensity. The gels in the spotlight began to change colors thereby changing the colors of her costume...red..blue..and the audience ooohed and aaahed...and applauded...It was dazzling..like a cojunction of Christmas and the 4th of July rolled into one..except there were no fireworks..no sound effects..until
The eggs had fizzed so long in the beer with no release that Hester just couldn't control nature anymore...and the gel in the spotlight switched to green...the song entered an instrumental interlude and everything and everyone grew quiet in the audience...and Hester ripped off the biggest fart in human history.( It's a pure-d miracle that little lady didn't rocket through the ceiling; I'm guessing it lifted her at least 4 inches off of that vinyl-seated-chair by the sound of it)...................but that wasn't the worst part.
The odor was sulforous and nauseating like only an egg fart can be..but add beans and beer to that...and you've got a gas bomb on your hands. Not everyone heard the fart ( only those on 4 rows around her...back and sides...and they were all looking around to see who the feller was) , but everyone felt its effects....The "ooh's" and "ahh's" changed to "Oh's: and "my god's" as fumes wafted stealthily through the crowd like Moses' death angel...and most of the audience straggled to safety ( It wasn't Passover and No one had the forethought to bring the blood of the lamb with them to a drag show.... No body was safe)................Bianca had a squeamish look on her face, and she broke her loving looks to Mother for a few moments in a desperate search to determine the culprit..but she held her breath and championed on with her performance and regained her composure. Mother began to rumble on the inside...and little tremors shook her torso. ( and I could see a slight up-turn of her lips, but she forced it down).....I could tell that she was holding something in...Then, Hester released another one...worse than the one before...Those drag fans that were standing in the tip line quickly began leaving the back bar..Their loyalty had given way to self preservation....The spotlight stayed on green so it made the room appear to be filled with a noxious gas...and in truth, it was: Hester's homemade methane. Bianca was a trooper . She'd backed up a few steps, but still managed to retain perfect eye-contact with Mother. Her eyes were a bit slanty now, like she was squinting them because they hurt..and my eyes hurt too. I thanked God that Mother had made the fairy light flame disappear earlier. I shuddered to think what might have happened if Hester's gas had reached the flicker...
And Hester...Poor..Poor Hester with the 4 carat diamond and shiny-silver motorcycle helmet..... Bless her heart...All of those beans, eggs, Bud Lights and Blow-Job shots ( which is just a Buttery Nipple with a gay-friendly name) had finally taken their toll..and she'd lain down her helmet-weary head on the table and sighed...and farted..and sighed...I didn't need an M.D. to decipher that her tummy was upset....and then some.
Fly, fly, fly high against the sky,
so high I almost touch the sky.
Thank you, thank you,
thank God for you, the wind beneath my wings.
and the sighing, drunk, Hester did it again........but this was a fart of many toots...I didn't think it would ever end ( but it happened at a perfect time in the song and kept beat better than Kerry did)....but through it all, Bianca maintained. She finished her number penniless...All of her fans who had been waiting to tip her, had vanished to the front bar for fresh air..(Afra Desiac's blonde-wigged sister had stood up and said, "SHIT..that's nasty" before she walked out.).....Through it all, Bianca was a professional...and Mother sat still like she'd rather die than get up and breathe fresh air. We were at ground zero and most other people had retreated to the safety of the front bar's clean atmosphere, but Mother wouldn't budge. Kerry didn't seem to notice anything at all, his eyes didn't appear any redder than they had when I'd met him....and the Ene cousins stuck their nosees in their cocktail glasses and kept looking at us like we should leave, but we didn't. We were waiting for Mother's lead, but she was steadfast.......(I didn't know whether to laugh or cry, so I just sat still and tried to breathe shallowly )....On the last note of the song, Bianca hung her head for dramatic effect and then she approached our table with her arms extended to Mother. Mother just couldn't hold it in anymore. Her tremors had been eruptions of controlled laughter..and she just let it go ( much like Hester had with her fart ) and belly laughed. No other sound was heard in the near empty bar except for Mother's laughter and Hester's sighing...but Mother did not open her arms. They still rested at her sides and her hands still sat in her lap.
With Bianca's arms outstretched toward Mother begging for a hug, Mother eked, "That was the biggest bunch of shit I've ever seen," between gasps of air............and her laughter ended. She reached up, lowered her glasses a smidge and peered over the rims at the seemingly repentant Bianca and just as Mother's lips were forming a word -- out of nowhere -- the helmeted Hester raised her head up and promptly spewed semi-digested beer, beans, martinis, boiled eggs and blow jobs all over the angelic Bianca.
BIANCA
Or, as Mother and Cora referred to her: BEYONKA. Finally, I realized why Mother had been so rigid when this blonde Aphrodite had kissed her on the cheek, and my 2 and 2's had finally made a four and I knew why Mother had been searching the crowd all evening until the arrival of this queen. Miss Superior had fully expected Bianca to perform tonight, but she'd kept it to herself and had hoped against hope that it would never actually happen. It also explained why Mother was in majestic Dillard's ( tag-tucked) drag with her matching sidekick twins..and the mace might have dampened her plans a bit....but like a true warrior princess she'd pressed onward with sunglasses.
BIANCA
Mother's bane. The bitch was drop dead gorgeous, and as I'd heard Mother exclaim in the past about other queens, "No one could touch her on beauty..." Bianca's throne had been usurped or surrendered at the new bar -- name still unknown, and reasons still unclear -- and she'd returned to Our House with her tiara between her legs to perform in a talent night. The audience's cheers at her smile should have told me plenty, but I'd been distracted by the beans and boiled eggs....and Mother's grandiose horn tooting, but the pieces of the puzzle were joining in my mind and adding up to be a most disastrous night for Mother....or so it seemed when Bette's torch-song started for Bianca
I glanced sideways at Mother and her face was as hard as marble. No emotion played on her facade, and I couldn't see her eyes which were still covered by movie-star sunglasses, but I knew they were steely and glazed over. I didn't have to see them. I just knew; her thumb told me all I needed to know. Her hands were folded primly in her lap and only her right thumb that rubbed her index finger told the true story. It swished back and forth over her pointer so hard that I thought she was trying to start a forest fire with her fingers.............but everything else was calm and quiet. If nothing else, Mother was respecting the art form, but she was burning inside......and only her thumb was releasing the pressure. But, I knew Mother, and I knew she'd need more of a release...........All the omens came together in that instant, and I knew what God had been trying to tell me. I just had to go with it. It was simply too late to interceed.
I heard the song before I saw the queen....."It must have been cold there in my shadow"............Oh, no she didn't...."To never have sunlight in your face".....And, I glanced up to behold a lovely queen standing directly in front of us, lip synching undeviatingly to Mother. Her costume was sheer perfection -- white and silver glimmers...large fringe...and it was wrapped form-fitting ( glue-gunned, I'd learn later) around her...save for her arms...the "fabric" seemed loose there.
"Did you ever know that you're my hero,
and everything I would like to be?
I can fly higher than an eagle,
'cause you are the wind beneath my wings"
She spread-eagled her arms on "wings"....and flapped them slowly. The "fabric" of her costume seemed to be webbed to her arms and formed unexpected wings that shimmered in the spotlight ( and made crinkly, whooshing sounds that only the front row could hear). Seraphic. Heavenly. Celestial. And then I looked closer at the "fabric" of her garment.....I could have sworn that I'd seen those streamers hanging at a car wash....But, she sync'd precisely to Mother..and Mother didn't break her gaze. She stared right back..unmoving..unflinching...Was this a stand-off between drag queens or was it a sincere heartfelt apology from one sister to another? ( Or was it just a manipulative ass-kissing move to coolly get back in Mother's good graces?)...
Although both aisles were filled with drag-fans waving dollar bills, Bianca stood firm and sync'd to Mother ONLY. From my vantage point, it appeared that Bianca didn't see anyone else in the room except Mother. Hester,with chin resting in one hand, even waved a twenty at her with the other hand, and Bianca ignored it, and her eyes did not waiver from Mother Superior who sat stony still, and glared into the eyes of Bianca ( I think ....I should say the sunglasses were aimed in that direction, but I'm telling what I felt as well as what I saw...and there were glares there.......and nothing else...except maybe daggers).
"Did I ever tell you you're my hero?
You're everything, everything I wish I could be.
Oh, and I, I could fly higher than an eagle,
'cause you are the wind beneath my wings,
'cause you are the wind beneath my wings."
Bianca became more exaggerated in her angelic ( emu) imitation and flapped her wings with more intensity. The gels in the spotlight began to change colors thereby changing the colors of her costume...red..blue..and the audience ooohed and aaahed...and applauded...It was dazzling..like a cojunction of Christmas and the 4th of July rolled into one..except there were no fireworks..no sound effects..until
The eggs had fizzed so long in the beer with no release that Hester just couldn't control nature anymore...and the gel in the spotlight switched to green...the song entered an instrumental interlude and everything and everyone grew quiet in the audience...and Hester ripped off the biggest fart in human history.( It's a pure-d miracle that little lady didn't rocket through the ceiling; I'm guessing it lifted her at least 4 inches off of that vinyl-seated-chair by the sound of it)...................but that wasn't the worst part.
The odor was sulforous and nauseating like only an egg fart can be..but add beans and beer to that...and you've got a gas bomb on your hands. Not everyone heard the fart ( only those on 4 rows around her...back and sides...and they were all looking around to see who the feller was) , but everyone felt its effects....The "ooh's" and "ahh's" changed to "Oh's: and "my god's" as fumes wafted stealthily through the crowd like Moses' death angel...and most of the audience straggled to safety ( It wasn't Passover and No one had the forethought to bring the blood of the lamb with them to a drag show.... No body was safe)................Bianca had a squeamish look on her face, and she broke her loving looks to Mother for a few moments in a desperate search to determine the culprit..but she held her breath and championed on with her performance and regained her composure. Mother began to rumble on the inside...and little tremors shook her torso. ( and I could see a slight up-turn of her lips, but she forced it down).....I could tell that she was holding something in...Then, Hester released another one...worse than the one before...Those drag fans that were standing in the tip line quickly began leaving the back bar..Their loyalty had given way to self preservation....The spotlight stayed on green so it made the room appear to be filled with a noxious gas...and in truth, it was: Hester's homemade methane. Bianca was a trooper . She'd backed up a few steps, but still managed to retain perfect eye-contact with Mother. Her eyes were a bit slanty now, like she was squinting them because they hurt..and my eyes hurt too. I thanked God that Mother had made the fairy light flame disappear earlier. I shuddered to think what might have happened if Hester's gas had reached the flicker...
And Hester...Poor..Poor Hester with the 4 carat diamond and shiny-silver motorcycle helmet..... Bless her heart...All of those beans, eggs, Bud Lights and Blow-Job shots ( which is just a Buttery Nipple with a gay-friendly name) had finally taken their toll..and she'd lain down her helmet-weary head on the table and sighed...and farted..and sighed...I didn't need an M.D. to decipher that her tummy was upset....and then some.
Fly, fly, fly high against the sky,
so high I almost touch the sky.
Thank you, thank you,
thank God for you, the wind beneath my wings.
and the sighing, drunk, Hester did it again........but this was a fart of many toots...I didn't think it would ever end ( but it happened at a perfect time in the song and kept beat better than Kerry did)....but through it all, Bianca maintained. She finished her number penniless...All of her fans who had been waiting to tip her, had vanished to the front bar for fresh air..(Afra Desiac's blonde-wigged sister had stood up and said, "SHIT..that's nasty" before she walked out.).....Through it all, Bianca was a professional...and Mother sat still like she'd rather die than get up and breathe fresh air. We were at ground zero and most other people had retreated to the safety of the front bar's clean atmosphere, but Mother wouldn't budge. Kerry didn't seem to notice anything at all, his eyes didn't appear any redder than they had when I'd met him....and the Ene cousins stuck their nosees in their cocktail glasses and kept looking at us like we should leave, but we didn't. We were waiting for Mother's lead, but she was steadfast.......(I didn't know whether to laugh or cry, so I just sat still and tried to breathe shallowly )....On the last note of the song, Bianca hung her head for dramatic effect and then she approached our table with her arms extended to Mother. Mother just couldn't hold it in anymore. Her tremors had been eruptions of controlled laughter..and she just let it go ( much like Hester had with her fart ) and belly laughed. No other sound was heard in the near empty bar except for Mother's laughter and Hester's sighing...but Mother did not open her arms. They still rested at her sides and her hands still sat in her lap.
With Bianca's arms outstretched toward Mother begging for a hug, Mother eked, "That was the biggest bunch of shit I've ever seen," between gasps of air............and her laughter ended. She reached up, lowered her glasses a smidge and peered over the rims at the seemingly repentant Bianca and just as Mother's lips were forming a word -- out of nowhere -- the helmeted Hester raised her head up and promptly spewed semi-digested beer, beans, martinis, boiled eggs and blow jobs all over the angelic Bianca.
hysterical...god I miss Mother!
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